Michelle and Laura tour the White House

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After arguing passionately over proposition 8, I feel that you all could use some humor.  This is my first attempt at humor in a long while.   It stops when I am depressed and I am trying to recover.

I understand Michelle Obama got a grand tour of their new digs the other day and a little birdie told me that this is how it went down.

Mrs. Bush: (with clenched teeth and squeezed butt cheeks)   Welcome to the White House, Mrs. Obama.  It is a (makes air quotes) “fabulous honor” for me to introduce you to the loyal household staff and give you the grand tour of the entire residence and state rooms.

Mrs. Obama: Mrs. Bush, the cameras are gone.  You can cut the act.

Mrs. Bush: Whew.  Thank You.  I didn’t know how long I could’ve kept up the act.  The truth of the matter is that you people frighten me.  I just don’t know what this world is coming to.  Your husband’s election over a perfectly good white man is just not right if you ask me.

Mrs. Obama: No damnbody asked you.

Mrs. Bush: Anyhoo, I’ve had two Xanax and two Bloody Mary’s so we need to make this quick before they kick in.

Mrs. Obama: I can handle it from here. Don’t you have some embarrassingly servile House Negro who can show me around while you sleep it off?

Mrs. Bush: Condi is either shopping for shoes or in the Middle East and George fired that turncoat Colin Powell four years ago.

Mrs. Obama: No, Ma’am.  I didn’t mean those embarrassingly servile House Negroes, I meant the Black servants that wait on you hand and foot like they’re still on a plantation.

Mrs. Bush: Ron Christie, Armstrong Williams, and Alphonso Jackson are no longer with the Administration, dear.

Mrs. Obama: Nevermind. I see your (makes air quotes) “medication” is beginning to kick in.  Let’s just move on.

Mrs. Bush: Mrs. Obama, this is the White House Red Room, one of the White House’s many color themed historic parlors.   In keeping with this theme, your husband could entertain his many socialist and communist sympathizers and collaborators as they plot to redistribute the hard earned wealth of the the richest 1%.

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Mrs. Obama: Since were on the red theme, is this the room where your husband concocted the twin red herrings of weapons of mass destruction and yellow cake uranium from Africa as a pretext for war in Iraq? Cat got your tongue?  That’s what I thought. Why dontcha just keep it moving.

Mrs. Bush: Mrs. Obama, this is the famous Lincoln Bedroom that the previous president kept as busy as a brothel on a Saturday night by wheeling his wealthy campaign donors in and out at lightning speed. Needless to say, we’ve restored the room to its intended purpose.  How do you people plan to honor President Lincoln?

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Mrs. Obama: The best way to honor President Lincoln, Mrs Bush, is to unify the nation and preserve the union he so vigorously defended, unlike your draft-dodging, chickenhawk husband, and to work across the aisle with mutual respect and bipartisanship.

Mrs. Bush: Michelle, dear, here we have the historic Treaty Room as renamed by Jacqueline Kennedy, your role-model.   Speaking of Mrs. Kennedy, I do hope that you can keep better track of your husband than Jackie could. Democrat wives seem to have a problem in that department.  Anyhoo, The Nuclear Test Ban Treaty was signed in this room by President Kennedy in 1963. Your husband can use the room to surrender our nation’s sovereignty to the U.N. and leave us defenseless in the War on Terror.

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Mrs. Obama: Treaties, now that’s a concept I wasn’t aware the Administration knew anything about.   Have you ever heard about the Geneva Conventions?  No?  Neither has GeeShrubya.   As for keeping track of my man, nobody whose ever worked for Barack ever slipped up and referred to him as “my husband,” like your girl, Condi.  I know my man, but it must be sheer torture wondering whether your husband has a taste for brown sugar, honey.  Barack certainly does, and as you can see, (with both hands on her hips) that’s one mission he accomplished when he married me.

Mrs. Bush: (Flustered) Well I never…

Mrs. Obama: That probably explains alot.  Can we wrap this up?

Mrs. Bush: Last on our tour is the Diplomatic Reception Room, which serves as an entrance to the White House from the South Grounds for the members of the first family and for visiting dignitaries and ambassadors arriving to officially present their credentials to the President.  Y’all can use this room to pray to Mecca five times a day and receive all your terrorist supporters like Ahmadinejad and Hamas.

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Mrs. Obama: Diplomacy.  Now that’s another concept I am certain y’all aren’t familiar with.  How could you be…what with your preoccupation with preemptive war and indiscriminate bombing of defenseless civilians and all.  It’s hard to find time to grapple with the complexities of international law and the rules of war when your wars are just shameless grabs for oil and economic supremacy.

Mrs. Bush: Mrs. Obama, that concludes the official tour. Is there anything else you’d like to see?

Mrs. Obama: You mean other than seeing you, Lynn Cheney, and Mrs. Rumsfeld visiting your husbands in federal prison?

Mrs. Bush: Yes.

Mrs. Obama: I’d really love to see you carry your flat ass upstairs and pack.  Your time’s up.

Campaign mailbag: Hillary’s desperate appeal

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Dear Fool,

It should be abundantly clear to even the comatose that my imperial campaign is falling apart, my inevitability is a myth, and Darth Bubba is too self absorbed to cede the limelight to me. My maniacal dream of dynastic restoration is crumbling into a morass of arrogance, ineptitude and racist condescension.

We tried to make nice with Negroes; they rejected us, now its time to prove to them how awful it is to be on the wrong side. And we’re going to keep proving them wrong as many times as we need to until we win back the imperial throne of the White House.

You and I know that only the white power structure, not the people; get to decide where this race for the Democratic nomination will end up.
And, before very long, the nefarious corporate interests who depend on us the most – the investment banks, the insurance industry, the pharmaceutical companies and the defense contractors who have given more money to me than to any Republican – will have their say in states like Wisconsin, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas, Pennsylvania and others.

Yield to the power of the Dark Side. Contribute now.

Don’t forget what we’re fighting for: the unlimited power to do the bidding of the same white capitalist patriarchy that has always run America. They’re the reason our campaign was flush with cash in the beginning, and why I will do whatever it takes to win. And winning means having the M.O.N.E.Y, and a ruthless game plan to even this race up so I can aggressively steal this nomination away from Barack Skytalker with more super delegates at the convention.

It’s MY TURN, dammit. I command you to make a contribution now.

When we embarked on this journey, I promised you crumbs from my imperial table and you bowed in submission. I command you to kneel at my feet again. That’s what you’ve got to do — right here, right now.

With sincere condescension,

Hillary

Hillary Rodham Clinton, Empress of Triangulation

P.S. Remember, no matter how many Negroes bail on us, you and I will keep courting and brainwashing Hispanics to vote against their class interests in an effort to help drive our campaign to victory in the weeks ahead. I refuse to go down without a fight.

Sponsor a Negro

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Hi, I’m Sally Struthers, the whiny white girl from All In The Family and those annoyingly manipulative Christian Children’s Fund Commercials with starving black babies. I know you haven’t heard from me in a minute but President Clinton and I, seeing the tepid response that his face saving lies to church Negroes about his unconscionable attempts to racially polarize the electorate and smear Obama as “The Black Candidate” has been getting as of late, we decided change course, join forces and buy as many Negroes for Hillary as we possibly can. To that end, we have created the Christian Negro Voter Fund.

While serving as the first Black President I’ve understood for many years how gullible the average church Negro is and the fact that they’ll follow any B.S. their pastor says because they really worship him instead of the God they profess to serve. How else can you explain Creflo “Gimme a damn” Dollar? We need you to help us buy as many of these jackleg preachers and their politician friends as possible so that Hillary can stop the menace of Barack Obama and his “false hopes.”

Will you help?

Sponsoring a Negro is easy and very necessary because so many of them and their crooked preachers and politicians have their damn hands out like hookers on a corner ready to prostitute themselves to support a bad habit. Being a bigger P.I.M.P. and playa than R.Kelly, I should know.

The following charity case is just another sad example of a Negro in need. Can y’all help a sistah out?

SPONSOR A NEGRO

Choose a Negro to sponsor


Say “yes” to Sheila, and you can transform her life. Sheila from Texas is one of the thousands of Negroes waiting for a sponsor. For just 5000 dollars a day, you can give her a chance to indulge her galactic ego by providing her with some of life’s basic needs – First Class Air Fare, lavish Four-star Hotels, and nutritious food-all on Hillary’s Dime.
Sponsor Sheila now »
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SUBMITTED BY THE CHRISTIAN NEGRO VOTER FUND

Name: SHEILA JACKSON LEE URGENT
Case #: 1234567
Sheila hails from an abjectly poor and desperately needy family. Her husband is just a lowly University Vice President. Her meager income of about $165,200 per year does not suffice to support her family or provide them with even one extravagant four-star meal a day. As a mother she is resourceful at trying to make the most of what is at hand but lately all her efforts are in vain. Desperate and dejected living beyond her means but eager to give herself the chance of better perks from a Hillary Administration; she sought aid from this Project. Sheila has been a shameless flack for Hillary and if she is to continue debasing herself like a happy darkie and embarrassing the entire African Diaspora she will need your help. Your sponsorship is a great blessing to this needy House Negro.