Senator George Felix Allen, Jr.
Open Letter to Michael Richards
You’re doing well so far, even though you’ve apologized, an act that I personally would have advised against, if you’d asked me. Apologizing, in my experience, only seems to underscore what a desperate, disingenuous bastard you really are. What you need, and what’s worked for me, is to enlist the help of prominent, colored apologists, of the right-wing variety. Yes, yes I do have names as a matter of fact. Virginia State Senator Bennie Lambert was a lifesaver as video evidence of my unapologetic racism came to the surface. He endorsed me right after and brazenly sold out the black community for a worthless promise of more money for Black Colleges. It was like me getting the Louisiana purchase in exchange for some blankets deliberately infected with smallpox, how could I refuse? If he believed my obvious lies, then he’ll have no problem defending your sorry behind.
Have you hugged a colored child today? It will do no good if nobody can see you do it. Go to your nearest dilapidated, under-funded, gang-infested, inner-city school and invite the press. Use the children as cheap colored props in your public relations campaign of deception. Tell the assembled press corps how much you “care about literacy” and read the children “My Pet Goat,” just like Dubya does. It works like a charm every time, even though, like Kanye says, “Bush don’t care about Black People.” I suspect that you and I share that same trait with the Presnit.
Lastly, don’t forget to attack the people appalled by your obvious racism as racists themselves. That is a common conservative dodge that has worked well for us throughout the years. It is always good to mix it up a little and give as good as you get. Don’t forget to have your trusty colored apologists to join in the attack so that you’re politically inoculated.
George Felix Allen, Jr.
P.S. Don’t despair; there are second acts in Hollywood and Politics, just look at Mel Gibson and Trent Lott. Anyway, it’s almost Thanksgiving and time for Fox News to launch a fusillade about the fake “War on Christmas.” That will be just in time for people to forget about your racism.