President Bush mourns the people’s trailer park princess

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President Bush released the following statement tonight:

I am utterly devastated. The whole of our country, all of us, will be in a state of shock and mourning. Anna Nicole was a wonderful, warm, compassionate, illiterate gold digger, playboy playmate and minor celebrity who people, not just in America, but throughout the world, loved and will mourn as a friend. Our thoughts and prayers are with her family, in particular with her baby girl, and with all of the trailer park trash families bereaved in this quite appalling tragedy.

I feel like everyone else in this country today – utterly devastated. We are today a nation in a state of shock, in mourning, in grief that is so deeply painful for us. She was a wonderful and warm human being. Though her own life was often sadly touched by dysfunctional B.S., she touched the lives of so many others in the United States – throughout the world – with drug-addicted and drunken joy. How many times shall we remember her, in how many different ways, blitzed outta her damn mind, babbling incoherently, stumbling around, or blissfully high, when, with just a look or a gesture that spoke so much more than words, she would reveal to all of us the depth of her empty-headed fatuousness and her questionable parental skills. How difficult things were for her from time to time, surely we can only guess at – but the people everywhere, not just the executives of TrimSpa but everywhere, they kept faith with Anna Nicole, they liked her, they loved her show, they regarded her as one of them. She was the people’s trailer park princess and that’s how she will stay, how she will remain in our hearts and in our memories forever.

I have asked Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senator Harry Reid to pass a joint resolution to allow Anna Nicole Smith, the people’s trailer park princess to lie in state in the U.S. Capitol at a state Funeral so that all of America can pay their respects and shed crocodile tears. 

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Anna Nicole Smith 1967-2007

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Anna Nicole Smith

photo courtesy of arz00n

A powerful light has gone out of the world today.  From this day forward, millions will remember where they were and what they were doing when they heard that the greatest reality TV star flamed out for good.  Anna Nicole’s death is a tragedy of epic proportions that will devastate the creators of reality TV for decades to come.  Her powerful, drunken, and drug induced imprint will forever remain emblazoned on our hearts and minds. My heart is breaking right now because the pain, oh, the pain, is just so intense. 

Seriously though, we are about to be inundated with yet another installment of the racially insulting and comical “As the White Woman Turns.”  You know, the garishly ridiculous newscast in which every insignificant detail of the death/murder of a missing, pretty white girl/woman is rehashed over and over and over again until we are so sick that we seriously contemplate joining her in the great beyond. 

We are in for a media frenzy the likes of which we have never seen.   This will become the most breathless obsessing over trailer park trash that America has seen since Bill Clinton probed Monica in the Oval Office. 

In a way, you can’t blame them.  Our voyeuristic culture demands this manner of faux news and the corporate media will oblige to further their inimical agenda to distract us from what is truly important.

In the time wasted covering this non-story, Iran will get a step closer to a nuclear weapon.  And all we’ll hear about is Anna Nicole.

Iraq will deteriorate further into a morass of sectarian violence and civil war and all we’ll hear about is Anna Nicole. 

Scooter Libby will be another step toward a conviction for covering up his involvement in a plot to discredit Administration critics of Bush’s rush to war in Iraq.  And all we’ll hear about is Anna Nicole.

Seven American Aircraft have crashed in two weeks killing several American servicemen and adding to an already unacceptable death toll.   And all we’ll hear about is Anna Nicole.

More will die from genocide in the Darfur region of the Sudan and all we’ll hear about is Anna Nicole.

The Senate has tied itself up in knots and failed to take a stand on Bush’s Iraq surge plan and all we’ll hear about is Anna Nicole.  

Perhaps we should have elected her President to solve all our problems.  It damn sure makes a lot more sense than this media frenzy now that the she’s dead.   A drug addicted and alcohol abusing celebutante couldn’t possibly do any worse than the ignorant dry drunk in the White House now.