David Vitter: Good afternoon. Last week, Wendy and I thought it was very important to have some time in seclusion until the firestorm that erupted over the blatant hypocrisy of preaching family values while simultaneously bedding hookers died, so that’s what we did for a few days. We want to thank the countless friends and fellow citizens who have offered their encouragement and prayers. Those have meant the world to us.
I want to, again, offer my deeply insincere apologies to all those I have let down and disappointed with these actions from my past. I am completely responsible. And I am so very, very sorry I got caught. No matter how long ago it was, I know this has hurt the relationship of trust I’ve enjoyed, and never deserved, with so many of you, and that I have a lot of work to do to rebuild that. I will work every day to pander to the lowest common denominator to rebuild it.
Wendy and I dealt with this personally several years ago when she threatened to castrate me like John Bobbitt. I confronted it in “confession” and “marriage counseling,” while Wendy held a sharp instrument to my crotch. I believe I received forgiveness from God. I know I did from Wendy because she didn’t castrate me, and we put it behind us-at least I thought we did until my nightmares and night sweats began.
Since then, I’ve gotten up every morning, checking my crotch and the bed only to be relieved that neither is saturated in a pool of blood. Everything I really believe in kinda centers in my crotch region and if continuing to believe in and acknowledge those values causes some to attack me because of my past failings, well, so be it.
Unfortunately, my admission has encouraged some long-time political enemies and those hoping to profit from the situation to spread falsehoods too, like those New Orleans stories in recent reporting. Those stories are not true-at least that’s what I’ve said in the past and I need to stick to that to cloud the issue.
Now, having said all of this, I’m not going to answer endless questions about it all over again and again and again and again-because then I would inevitably be caught in a tangle of lies. That might sell newspapers, but it wouldn’t serve my family or my political aspirations well at all because I have a lot of important work to do for Louisiana that I didn’t do while indulging my S&M fantasies with hookers on the side and missing Senate votes.
For my part, I’ll be helping finalize a crucial water resources bill to provide much better hurricane and flood protection-what I shoulda been doing instead of calling escort services. I’ll be following up on our demagogic and racist defeat of an immigration bill by working for draconian and unworkable border and workplace security. I’ll be fighting for my political life, undermining liberals and much more.
From here, I’ll go directly to the airport and to Washington for votes, because I’m desperate for this face saving press conference to end. Thank you.
Wendy Vitter: To those of you who know me, are you surprised that I didn’t castrate the bastard? You know, in most any other marriage, this would have been a private issue between a husband and a wife — very private—until he bled to death. Obviously, it is not here.
Like all marriages, ours is not perfect. None of us are. But I have him where I want him now and my lawyer is on speed dial. When I dealt with this privately years ago, and damn near castrated David, I made the decision to turn the tables and assume the power in the marriage. To spare a prick was not the easy choice, but it was and is the right choice for me. David and I are now the best of friends and he better pray it stays that way.
Last week, some people very sympathetically said to me, “I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes right now.” I told the bitches off. This is the part where I’m supposed to say some politically soothing crap about being proud to be Wendy Vitter and then attempt to invoke sympathy for the ordeal my children have gone through. I’m just gonna skip it though in the interest of time.
And now I’m going to attempt to invoke your sympathy for me as a wife and I hope you will understand. It’s been terribly hard to have the media parked on our front lawn and following us every day. And yesterday, the media was camped at our church — at our home, and at our church every day. So even if I wanted to castrate and kill him for this latest outrage, I would have been caught.
As David returns to his right-wing pursuits and self-promotion in Washington, we’re going to return to our life here. I would ask you very respectfully to let us continue our summer and give us a pass on our obvious hypocrisy, just as we and our media advisors had planned.
Thank you very much