Campaign mailbag: Hillary’s desperate appeal


Dear Fool,

It should be abundantly clear to even the comatose that my imperial campaign is falling apart, my inevitability is a myth, and Darth Bubba is too self absorbed to cede the limelight to me. My maniacal dream of dynastic restoration is crumbling into a morass of arrogance, ineptitude and racist condescension.

We tried to make nice with Negroes; they rejected us, now its time to prove to them how awful it is to be on the wrong side. And we’re going to keep proving them wrong as many times as we need to until we win back the imperial throne of the White House.

You and I know that only the white power structure, not the people; get to decide where this race for the Democratic nomination will end up.
And, before very long, the nefarious corporate interests who depend on us the most – the investment banks, the insurance industry, the pharmaceutical companies and the defense contractors who have given more money to me than to any Republican — will have their say in states like Wisconsin, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas, Pennsylvania and others.

Yield to the power of the Dark Side. Contribute now.

Don’t forget what we’re fighting for: the unlimited power to do the bidding of the same white capitalist patriarchy that has always run America. They’re the reason our campaign was flush with cash in the beginning, and why I will do whatever it takes to win. And winning means having the M.O.N.E.Y, and a ruthless game plan to even this race up so I can aggressively steal this nomination away from Barack Skytalker with more super delegates at the convention.

It’s MY TURN, dammit. I command you to make a contribution now.

When we embarked on this journey, I promised you crumbs from my imperial table and you bowed in submission. I command you to kneel at my feet again. That’s what you’ve got to do — right here, right now.

With sincere condescension,


Hillary Rodham Clinton, Empress of Triangulation

P.S. Remember, no matter how many Negroes bail on us, you and I will keep courting and brainwashing Hispanics to vote against their class interests in an effort to help drive our campaign to victory in the weeks ahead. I refuse to go down without a fight.

6 thoughts on “Campaign mailbag: Hillary’s desperate appeal

  1. That is funny – and funny in the intensely funny sense that it rings so true. This race began with me being unbiased as to who I was going to support and leaving room to make amends and bring the party back together at the end. However, the more I see of Hillary the more I become concerned about her hunger for power and her sense of entitlement that this nomination belongs to her.

  2. Cliff

    “We tried to make nice with Negroes; they rejected us, now its time to prove to them how awful it is to be on the wrong side.”

    “Get your Negra ass out my head.”

    “You damn Negras are always trying to figure out our games. Putting one and two, and two and two together. Always trying to not be dumb, and stupid like normal.”

    “What happened to the good ole days, where you could just tell a Negra anything and he would believe you.”

    “All we had to do was just get Manikin-Negra, post him in front their crowds, having our hand in his back, our creep in the church hand clap and sing with them, and rally their support”

    “Gottdamitt what happen to those days, the good ole days.”

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