Campaign mailbag: Hillary’s desperate appeal

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Dear Fool,

It should be abundantly clear to even the comatose that my imperial campaign is falling apart, my inevitability is a myth, and Darth Bubba is too self absorbed to cede the limelight to me. My maniacal dream of dynastic restoration is crumbling into a morass of arrogance, ineptitude and racist condescension.

We tried to make nice with Negroes; they rejected us, now its time to prove to them how awful it is to be on the wrong side. And we’re going to keep proving them wrong as many times as we need to until we win back the imperial throne of the White House.

You and I know that only the white power structure, not the people; get to decide where this race for the Democratic nomination will end up.
And, before very long, the nefarious corporate interests who depend on us the most – the investment banks, the insurance industry, the pharmaceutical companies and the defense contractors who have given more money to me than to any Republican — will have their say in states like Wisconsin, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas, Pennsylvania and others.

Yield to the power of the Dark Side. Contribute now.

Don’t forget what we’re fighting for: the unlimited power to do the bidding of the same white capitalist patriarchy that has always run America. They’re the reason our campaign was flush with cash in the beginning, and why I will do whatever it takes to win. And winning means having the M.O.N.E.Y, and a ruthless game plan to even this race up so I can aggressively steal this nomination away from Barack Skytalker with more super delegates at the convention.

It’s MY TURN, dammit. I command you to make a contribution now.

When we embarked on this journey, I promised you crumbs from my imperial table and you bowed in submission. I command you to kneel at my feet again. That’s what you’ve got to do — right here, right now.

With sincere condescension,

Hillary

Hillary Rodham Clinton, Empress of Triangulation

P.S. Remember, no matter how many Negroes bail on us, you and I will keep courting and brainwashing Hispanics to vote against their class interests in an effort to help drive our campaign to victory in the weeks ahead. I refuse to go down without a fight.

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Sponsor a Negro

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Hi, I’m Sally Struthers, the whiny white girl from All In The Family and those annoyingly manipulative Christian Children’s Fund Commercials with starving black babies. I know you haven’t heard from me in a minute but President Clinton and I, seeing the tepid response that his face saving lies to church Negroes about his unconscionable attempts to racially polarize the electorate and smear Obama as “The Black Candidate” has been getting as of late, we decided change course, join forces and buy as many Negroes for Hillary as we possibly can. To that end, we have created the Christian Negro Voter Fund.

While serving as the first Black President I’ve understood for many years how gullible the average church Negro is and the fact that they’ll follow any B.S. their pastor says because they really worship him instead of the God they profess to serve. How else can you explain Creflo “Gimme a damn” Dollar? We need you to help us buy as many of these jackleg preachers and their politician friends as possible so that Hillary can stop the menace of Barack Obama and his “false hopes.”

Will you help?

Sponsoring a Negro is easy and very necessary because so many of them and their crooked preachers and politicians have their damn hands out like hookers on a corner ready to prostitute themselves to support a bad habit. Being a bigger P.I.M.P. and playa than R.Kelly, I should know.

The following charity case is just another sad example of a Negro in need. Can y’all help a sistah out?

SPONSOR A NEGRO

Choose a Negro to sponsor


Say “yes” to Sheila, and you can transform her life. Sheila from Texas is one of the thousands of Negroes waiting for a sponsor. For just 5000 dollars a day, you can give her a chance to indulge her galactic ego by providing her with some of life’s basic needs – First Class Air Fare, lavish Four-star Hotels, and nutritious food-all on Hillary’s Dime.
Sponsor Sheila now »
Search for a Different Negro »
SUBMITTED BY THE CHRISTIAN NEGRO VOTER FUND

Name: SHEILA JACKSON LEE URGENT
Case #: 1234567
Sheila hails from an abjectly poor and desperately needy family. Her husband is just a lowly University Vice President. Her meager income of about $165,200 per year does not suffice to support her family or provide them with even one extravagant four-star meal a day. As a mother she is resourceful at trying to make the most of what is at hand but lately all her efforts are in vain. Desperate and dejected living beyond her means but eager to give herself the chance of better perks from a Hillary Administration; she sought aid from this Project. Sheila has been a shameless flack for Hillary and if she is to continue debasing herself like a happy darkie and embarrassing the entire African Diaspora she will need your help. Your sponsorship is a great blessing to this needy House Negro.

We want you, Negro

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Dear Brothas and Sistahs,

If you would like to waste Sunday mornings traversing around the country with Bill Clinton on his fruitless quest to regain the fawning favor of churchgoing African Americans-we want you, Negro. Apparently not satisfied that he has forever burned his bridge to the black community, the forty-second President is in desperate need of Negroes to travel with him and show the chronically stupid among us that voting for Miz Hillary is still “all’ight.” That’s where your dumb ass comes in. If you’re not thoroughly embarrassed to be seen with and for the Clintons, please give the campaign a call. All expenses and meals will be paid since Hillary kicked in $5 million before Super Tuesday.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a crackhead, homeless, an ex-con, or a sycophantic member of the Congressional Black Caucus (We’ll pay y’all extra). All are welcome because we are desperate as hell.

Please be aware of the proper dress code. Tattered clothes, handkerchiefs, and blackface makeup are welcome because they help to identify you as the shameless plantation minstrels that you are. You will be photographed repeatedly with the President for our undercover propaganda campaign to fool those stupid enough to believe that the campaign still has any black grassroots support.  Should the media wish to interview you do be sure to split your verbs and coon for the cameras because it lends the right touch of authenticity to our little deception.

In addition, if you have any children, please bring them. Black children are the classic Negro props White politicians have been photographing themselves with for over a generation when they don’t have a damn program to assure them of a future. In the first Clinton Administration we threw millions of black children into poverty and off of welfare to appease white suburbanites-expect more of the same the next go round.

So please join us on our journey to political irrelevancy and oblivion and call 1-800-BLACK FOOL because Hillary Clinton will be ready on day one to do absolutely nothing for the black community.

Sincerely,

Maggie

Maggie Williams, Head Negress In Charge

Kwame Apologizes

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Full text of Kilpatrick’s speech (Revised by Skeptical Brotha)

MR. KILPATRICK: Good evening, Detroit. I want to start tonight by offering an obligatory, disingenuous Clintonian apology, I’m sorry. To all of you stupid enough to have believed in what we’ve been doing here since 2002, to all of you stupid enough to have believed in me, in my leadership, to all of you stupid enough to have stuck with me through very difficult times, to all of you who prayed for me not to get caught screwing around on my wife, I’m sorry.

For the embarrassment and the disappointment, the events of the past few days have caused you, for what you as my supporters, many of you, have had to hear as you traveled around our city to beauty shops and barbershops, what you had to hear when you were in Church this past Sunday from people who know that you have supported me. For those of you who have not always been Kwame Kilpatrick supporters, but who lift up our city, who live in our city, who support this town in various ways, Again, I offer a disingenuous apology to each and every one of you individually and to the whole city.

 

Most of all tonight, again, I want to make a disingenuous public apology to my entire family, and specifically to the four people I should love the most in this world.

 

First, I want to apologize to my sons, Jelani, Jalil and Jonas. For the first time in my life I had to have an adult conversation with my 12 year old twin sons about not using public cell phones to text message your mistress. It was without a doubt the hardest conversation that I’ve ever had in my entire life. Finally, and most importantly, I want to make a public apology to my wife Carlita, whose big booty and thighs I fell in love with when I was 19 years old.

Our marriage has not been perfect, the sex certainly hasn’t been lately-obviously, but overall it has been great. Now, I put her in a typical B.S. ghetto situation which many couples deal with in the privacy of their own homes, but in our case, I F’ed up and put our damn business in the street. I apologize to you, baby. At some point, perhaps we’ll have some great make-up nookie and put this tawdry spectacle behind us.

As many of you know, I’m a self-absorbed womanizer incapable of not whoring around and disrespecting God, my wife or my children, but I have to tell you I’ve felt more emotion in the last week than I have in the past 20 years. I’ve been truly hurting, I’ve been hurting because I know that many of you are hurting cause some of y’all still ain’t found a job since I laid you off. And most of all, I’ve been hurting because I know that my days of carousing America’s strip clubs on the city dime are numbered.

Over the past few years there’s been some speculation about who is in charge of the city. Make no mistake about it, since 2002 I have been in charge of mismanaging the city. There have been ups and downs, there have been hills and mountains and valleys, but through it all I remained in charge of the mismanaging the ship. I believe we built a team here that covers for my lack of focus and obvious deficiencies.

They’ve done a yeoman’s job pretending to care about the mission, focus and commitment that we must have to serve our citizens. We’ve done some amazing things, like concealing my $210,000 city credit card bill, the $25,000 lease the city paid for Carlita’s Navigator, and the hypocritical mass layoffs of city employees while I live like a King in Manoogian Mansion, but we have a lot of work left to do. Over the past few days there has also been a lot of speculation about me resigning from office.

Let me be clear tonight, Y’all will hafta send a swat team to get me outta Manoogian Mansion. We’ve got a lot of work to do and with your silent Negro acquiescence; I’m going to continue to mismanage this city into bankruptcy. I am truly blessed and grateful that my wife is beside me tonight, and she has some politically expedient remarks of her own to make.

CARLITA KILPATRICK: It is very difficult for me to talk to you at this moment, but I want to trick you fools into believing that what I am about to say is the heartfelt statement from a sympathetic and wronged woman.

Like all marriages, ours is not perfect. Like all men, he ain’t perfect, but through this shameless and cynical appeal to stupid God fearing Negroes, my husband and I will get through this. Yes, I’m pissed the fool got caught, I am hurt, and I will cut that heifer if she ever steps to my man again. But there is no question that I love living in Manoogian Mansion. With the help of our pastor and others, we have been going through the motions to look like we’re working through our mess.

Most sistahs who have problems in their marriage are able to throw a pot of hot grits on the Negro privately. Unfortunately, that option is not available to me-we can’t both be in jail. Our family has endured the most painful and intrusive week of our lives. Our most intimate issues have been laid out for all to see, for all to comment on, for all to dissect and analyze. This is the part where I pretend that this private matter is between me, my husband, and God. And pretend to be deeply committed to working through these issues together as a family.

As his wife, I know how feckless my husband is and his lack of commitment to better the City of Detroit. I don’t really care. However, I know full well that the bulk of you are as stupid as a box of rocks and that’s why I am asking the citizens of this city to be committed to him, and our family, and to the continued lavish subsidization of our lifestyle.

Allow our family the space and the privacy that is essential to anyone frontin’ as hard as we are. Lastly, I would like to thank each and every one of you for all of your fruitless prayers and your uplifting words. Thank you.

MR. KILPATRICK: In an obvious play for sympathy I don’t deserve and shouldn’t get, I would ask from this point forward that if you have to attack someone, attack me. I would ask that you don’t follow my wife; you don’t film my kids going to school. I ask you not to have helicopters flying around our home. I ask that you leave them alone. I am the mayor, I made the mistake, and I am accountable.

Because I could get could get locked up for what I’ve done, I am unable to discuss any of those issues at this time. But I do have one last piece of B.S I want to share with you tonight. Over the past week our marriage has been opened up for public view. This has been a situation where, yes, it’s been embarrassing, yes, it’s been painful, but through all of that, through the grace of God and a good PR expert, we’ve concocted this obviously self-serving public statement to bamboozle you.

We have committed to my political career, to making it better and stronger. Last week was the first weekend since I took office in January 2002 that I just put everything aside and focused on the growing firestorm unfolding on the pages of every newspaper in Michigan. I know people have been wanting to hang me from my toenails, but I needed some space to confer with public relations experts first and then claim that we’d had some much needed family time.

I want to thank the people of Detroit for their stupidity in allowing us time to come up with some slick, face-saving crap. We as a family needed to do that. I told my sons this past weekend to keep up with their women. If you get caught, you get up, you dust yourself off, and throw yourself on the mercy of gullible God fearing Negroes to keep your damn arse outta jail.

Detroit, I am determined to avoid conviction. I am determined to continue to cling to power as Mayor of this city.

Together we have managed to do great things. We have laid off more Negroes, we have charged more for garbage pickup than ever. We have balanced our budget on the backs of the most vulnerable and wiped out a huge deficit.

I’ve been to strip clubs in 20 states on the city dime, and I am not stopping now.

Detroit, please continue to pray for our family, for our city and for our continued progress. God bless you, Detroit. I love you, and hopefully I won’t be indicted tomorrow.

 

Giuliani’s Christmas Ad (Revised)

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Copying front runner Mike Huckabee and sinking in national polls like a stone, a desperate Rudy Giuliani came out with his own holiday ad to deceive and reassure gullible Republicans.   

Rudy: There a many things I wish for this Holiday Season.  I wish for peace with strength, secure borders, a government that spends less than it takes in, lower taxes for our business and families, and I really hope that all the presidential candidates can just get along.  

Santa:  Ho, Ho, Ho, I was with ya right up until that last one. 

Rudy:   Can’t have everything. I’m Rudy Giuliani and I approved this message. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.   

This is the parody ad I would have him release.  

Rudy:  There are many things I wish for this Holiday Season.  I wish for another 9/11 to scare the American people into voting for me, a government that spies on its own people, huge tax loopholes for the rich, and I really hope that before Bernie Kerik goes to jail, his mob friends will help me rub out the smug prick with perfect hair, Mitt Romney. 

Judi, the social climbing homewrecker: I wanna be First Lady and America’s Queen. 

Black Santa:  Ho, I was with ya right up until that last one.  

Rudy:  You black bastard, I’ll teach you to never say everything that pops into your head to a white woman.

Rudy’s security team shoots Santa in the back 41 times and calls it justifiable homicide because Black Santa “fit the description.” 

Rudy:  I’m Rudy Giuliani and I enthusiastically approved this gross display of racist police state fascism.  Merry Christmas. Seig Heil.

Hillary’s Christmas Ad

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In a nod to fellow Arkansan Mike Huckabee, Hillary Clinton released a holiday ad, however, the following parody ad I conjured up is the one she should have released.   

A beautiful array of gifts is spread out before Hillary for Barack Obama. Hillary gets off her broom, smiles, extends a knarled finger and cackles menacingly:  I’ve got something for your pretty boy smart ass. 

The first gift is kneecapping Obama with deceptive direct mail from a labor union that looks like it comes from John Edwards. 

The second gift is Andy Young, a so-called civil rights leader and present day sell-out, saying that Bill Clinton, and Hillary by extension, is “every bit as black as Barack,” and that there are “more black people that Bill and Hillary lean on,” than Barack.   

The third gift is Bubba questioning Obama’s experience by saying that America would be “rolling the dice” with him as President.  

Finally, Hillary says with saccharine sweetness: Where did I put Bill Shaheen’s and Bob Kerrey’s racist innuendo?  There it is. (With an air of exasperated entitlement) How dare this boy challenge my claim to the throne. (Hillary’s expression turns into a scowl and she looks directly into the camera)  I’m the Borg Queen and to all of you undecided people out there, resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.

Obama’s Christmas Ad

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Going along with the trend that Mike Huckabee started, Barack Obama released a Christmas ad to the voters in the early states. In my minds eye, after nearly a year of campaigning, I’ve envisioned the process of cutting this ad in the following parody.  

1st script, first take 

Michelle: We’re the Huxtables… 

Director: CUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Take two  

Michelle:  We’re the Obamas, coming to you once again to shamelessly pander…….. 

Director: CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Take three 

Michelle:   We’d like to take a moment to thank you and your family for the curiosity and blank stares displayed on your pasty white faces as you’ve marveled over how my Black, Ivy League educated husband can so articulately express himself in a way that is so raceless and non-threatening. 

Barack:  In this commercialized holiday season, we’re reminded of the conspicuous consumption and right-wing laisse faire capitalism that unites us as a people. It is more powerful and enduring than anything any one candidate will say or do and it damn sure won’t change if you vote for me. So from our bougie Huxtableesque family to yours, I’m the great white liberal hope, Barack Obama and I approved this family friendly propaganda.  

Malia: Merry Christmas 

Sasha: Mama, who y’all talking too?  

Michelle says through clenched teeth: Say your line, baby. 

Sasha: Mama, you didn’t answer my question.

Malia:  Daddy, are we done? Can we go home now? 

Barack through a frozen smile: No, Malia. Sasha, say your line. 

Sasha:  Y’all been frontin for these white folks for a year and I am tired.  When is this gonna be over? 

Director: CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

The final product. 

Michelle: We’d like to take a moment to thank you and your family for the warmth and friendship that you’ve shown ours, for sharing your hospitality, and your stories.   

Barack: In this holiday season, we’re reminded that the things that unite us as a people are more powerful and enduring than anything that sets us apart and we all have a stake in each other, in something larger than ourselves.  So from our family to yours, I’m Barack Obama and I approve this message. 

Malia: Merry Christmas. 

Sasha: Happy Holidays.