Tiger Woods Foundation Job Announcement

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JOB ANNOUNCEMENT

SEXY SECRETARY


Wanted: Sexy Secretary

The Tiger Woods Foundation’s Department of Internal Affairs, pun intended, is looking to hire a full-time “secretarial pool” of sexy secretaries to service the boss in whatever capacity or position he may require. In light of recent events, it is hoped that this arrangement will be much easier to control and be less costly to Mr. Woods’ net worth.

If you’re a blond bombshell dreaming of a position working along side a young, hung and horny billionaire in the office, sharing sly grins and smiles and then multiple times a week enjoying hidden rendezvous of extreme pleasure—you might want to apply today.  If you’re seeking respectable employment with a great starting salary as well as the occasional hole-in-one from the boss, Mr. Woods is eager to provide that fringe benefit.

Please email your numbers and a headshot so that we can set up a time to discuss Mr. Woods’ favorite positions and other details. If he agrees that there is a physical attraction and that the “job” might work out well for both of you, then Mr. Woods will contact you personally about getting together for a private “interview.” The Woods Foundation asks that you please take your name off your phone because Miss Elin will be checking.

Knowledge, Skills and Abilities

Mr. Woods is all about discretion and a capacity to keep secrets is a must. Tiger is serious about changing his womanizing ways, but just like a smoker that uses a nicotine patch, he will need to scratch that itch occasionally until he can go cold turkey. That’s where you come in. Tiger obviously doesn’t care about your typing and filing skills and the secretaries he hires must have a demonstrated ability to perform orally.  You girls must know how to fake the funk and look busy doing nothing important while waiting for Tiger to call.

Education, Training and Experience Requirements

This is the part of the job announcement where an employer is supposed to lay out what they want from perspective employees in terms of education and experience.  Mr. Woods obviously could care less about that. Tiger don’t care if you ain’t got a brain in your head because he only wants one thing from you, baby and one thing only: the willingness to drop everything when he calls and the ability to travel anywhere on a moment’s notice ready to “just do it.”

Men, ugly chicks, and non-white females are strongly encouraged not to apply.

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Kristi Watts: Pat Robertson’s Slave Girl

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Name: KRISTI WATTS HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DELUSIONAL NEGRO?
Questionable Role: Pat Robertson’s un-be-weave-ably happy darkie co-host on the right wing 700 club. KRISTI NEEDS YOUR HELP
Age: Old enough to know damn better. Sex: Female
Date she left reality: The day her stupid arse went to work for Robertson’s talabangelical network in 1999. Race: Black (Kristi’s membership in the race is under review.)
Latest Incident: Sitting there like a lobotomized coon while Pat Robertson attempted to discourage charitable giving to Haiti by spinning a fictitious tale of Haitians making a pact with the devil to gain independence from the French. Height: 5’6″
City Last Seen: Virginia Beach Weight: 140 lbs
State : Virginia Hair: Weave
Country: United States Eye Color: Brown
What You can do: Apparently Kristi doesn’t know that slavery is over and that she is free to leave Pat Robertson’s racist plantation network at any time to find legitimate work that doesn’t prey on her people’s religiosity and steal their hard earned money. Your generous contribution will help assist a team of professionals that will plan and execute an intervention on Kristi. They will show her that she doesn’t have to be Pat’s fuc*ing slave girl and that Christianity is not synonymous with the GOP. Should they fail to persuade Kristi, they’ll just beat her damn arse like she stole somethin.’