Kwame Apologizes

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Full text of Kilpatrick’s speech (Revised by Skeptical Brotha)

MR. KILPATRICK: Good evening, Detroit. I want to start tonight by offering an obligatory, disingenuous Clintonian apology, I’m sorry. To all of you stupid enough to have believed in what we’ve been doing here since 2002, to all of you stupid enough to have believed in me, in my leadership, to all of you stupid enough to have stuck with me through very difficult times, to all of you who prayed for me not to get caught screwing around on my wife, I’m sorry.

For the embarrassment and the disappointment, the events of the past few days have caused you, for what you as my supporters, many of you, have had to hear as you traveled around our city to beauty shops and barbershops, what you had to hear when you were in Church this past Sunday from people who know that you have supported me. For those of you who have not always been Kwame Kilpatrick supporters, but who lift up our city, who live in our city, who support this town in various ways, Again, I offer a disingenuous apology to each and every one of you individually and to the whole city.

 

Most of all tonight, again, I want to make a disingenuous public apology to my entire family, and specifically to the four people I should love the most in this world.

 

First, I want to apologize to my sons, Jelani, Jalil and Jonas. For the first time in my life I had to have an adult conversation with my 12 year old twin sons about not using public cell phones to text message your mistress. It was without a doubt the hardest conversation that I’ve ever had in my entire life. Finally, and most importantly, I want to make a public apology to my wife Carlita, whose big booty and thighs I fell in love with when I was 19 years old.

Our marriage has not been perfect, the sex certainly hasn’t been lately-obviously, but overall it has been great. Now, I put her in a typical B.S. ghetto situation which many couples deal with in the privacy of their own homes, but in our case, I F’ed up and put our damn business in the street. I apologize to you, baby. At some point, perhaps we’ll have some great make-up nookie and put this tawdry spectacle behind us.

As many of you know, I’m a self-absorbed womanizer incapable of not whoring around and disrespecting God, my wife or my children, but I have to tell you I’ve felt more emotion in the last week than I have in the past 20 years. I’ve been truly hurting, I’ve been hurting because I know that many of you are hurting cause some of y’all still ain’t found a job since I laid you off. And most of all, I’ve been hurting because I know that my days of carousing America’s strip clubs on the city dime are numbered.

Over the past few years there’s been some speculation about who is in charge of the city. Make no mistake about it, since 2002 I have been in charge of mismanaging the city. There have been ups and downs, there have been hills and mountains and valleys, but through it all I remained in charge of the mismanaging the ship. I believe we built a team here that covers for my lack of focus and obvious deficiencies.

They’ve done a yeoman’s job pretending to care about the mission, focus and commitment that we must have to serve our citizens. We’ve done some amazing things, like concealing my $210,000 city credit card bill, the $25,000 lease the city paid for Carlita’s Navigator, and the hypocritical mass layoffs of city employees while I live like a King in Manoogian Mansion, but we have a lot of work left to do. Over the past few days there has also been a lot of speculation about me resigning from office.

Let me be clear tonight, Y’all will hafta send a swat team to get me outta Manoogian Mansion. We’ve got a lot of work to do and with your silent Negro acquiescence; I’m going to continue to mismanage this city into bankruptcy. I am truly blessed and grateful that my wife is beside me tonight, and she has some politically expedient remarks of her own to make.

CARLITA KILPATRICK: It is very difficult for me to talk to you at this moment, but I want to trick you fools into believing that what I am about to say is the heartfelt statement from a sympathetic and wronged woman.

Like all marriages, ours is not perfect. Like all men, he ain’t perfect, but through this shameless and cynical appeal to stupid God fearing Negroes, my husband and I will get through this. Yes, I’m pissed the fool got caught, I am hurt, and I will cut that heifer if she ever steps to my man again. But there is no question that I love living in Manoogian Mansion. With the help of our pastor and others, we have been going through the motions to look like we’re working through our mess.

Most sistahs who have problems in their marriage are able to throw a pot of hot grits on the Negro privately. Unfortunately, that option is not available to me-we can’t both be in jail. Our family has endured the most painful and intrusive week of our lives. Our most intimate issues have been laid out for all to see, for all to comment on, for all to dissect and analyze. This is the part where I pretend that this private matter is between me, my husband, and God. And pretend to be deeply committed to working through these issues together as a family.

As his wife, I know how feckless my husband is and his lack of commitment to better the City of Detroit. I don’t really care. However, I know full well that the bulk of you are as stupid as a box of rocks and that’s why I am asking the citizens of this city to be committed to him, and our family, and to the continued lavish subsidization of our lifestyle.

Allow our family the space and the privacy that is essential to anyone frontin’ as hard as we are. Lastly, I would like to thank each and every one of you for all of your fruitless prayers and your uplifting words. Thank you.

MR. KILPATRICK: In an obvious play for sympathy I don’t deserve and shouldn’t get, I would ask from this point forward that if you have to attack someone, attack me. I would ask that you don’t follow my wife; you don’t film my kids going to school. I ask you not to have helicopters flying around our home. I ask that you leave them alone. I am the mayor, I made the mistake, and I am accountable.

Because I could get could get locked up for what I’ve done, I am unable to discuss any of those issues at this time. But I do have one last piece of B.S I want to share with you tonight. Over the past week our marriage has been opened up for public view. This has been a situation where, yes, it’s been embarrassing, yes, it’s been painful, but through all of that, through the grace of God and a good PR expert, we’ve concocted this obviously self-serving public statement to bamboozle you.

We have committed to my political career, to making it better and stronger. Last week was the first weekend since I took office in January 2002 that I just put everything aside and focused on the growing firestorm unfolding on the pages of every newspaper in Michigan. I know people have been wanting to hang me from my toenails, but I needed some space to confer with public relations experts first and then claim that we’d had some much needed family time.

I want to thank the people of Detroit for their stupidity in allowing us time to come up with some slick, face-saving crap. We as a family needed to do that. I told my sons this past weekend to keep up with their women. If you get caught, you get up, you dust yourself off, and throw yourself on the mercy of gullible God fearing Negroes to keep your damn arse outta jail.

Detroit, I am determined to avoid conviction. I am determined to continue to cling to power as Mayor of this city.

Together we have managed to do great things. We have laid off more Negroes, we have charged more for garbage pickup than ever. We have balanced our budget on the backs of the most vulnerable and wiped out a huge deficit.

I’ve been to strip clubs in 20 states on the city dime, and I am not stopping now.

Detroit, please continue to pray for our family, for our city and for our continued progress. God bless you, Detroit. I love you, and hopefully I won’t be indicted tomorrow.

 

17 thoughts on “Kwame Apologizes

  1. john in california

    Well, at least he was never caught in a diaper. If all these adulterous mayors ever decide to write a how-to book on aplogization, I hope you, sb, are given the honor to do the introduction. (one of your best pieces yet!)

  2. Damn, I’m blinded by your brilliance, SB

    “I fell in love with those thighs and big booty since I was 19 years old…” ROTFLMAO!!!

    Seriously, girlfriend should not be without her GMTG kit and she should have the divorce lawyer to the stars on speed dial.

  3. You need to stop.

    Awe, who the hell am I kidding?

    BWA H AHA HA HAH AHA HA

    You’re just trying to get me to ruin my computer.

    No warning about not reading this while having a drink in your hand – bad Skeptical Brotha.

    But, this can go into your classics file.

    LOVE IT

    LOVE IT

    I’m off to send the link to others.

    You made my morning.🙂

  4. vivrant thang

    LMBAO! Hilarious and VERY much on point. That fool needs to be locked up in Oz for defrauding a depressed city of millions. Who cares that he can’t keep it in his pants? That’s between him and his woman. But don’t rob your constituents, particularly in this economy. All dogs have their day. He’ll be re-elected though.

    Be careful! Carolyn might come through here and get you for talking about “ya’lls boy!” Have you seen that video? More foolishness.

  5. ILove Detroit

    Leave the Mayor alone. It doesn’t matter what he does or who he sleeps with. Wait until the investigation is over before you condemn him to jail. All those people that are talking about him are guilty of sleeping around too.

  6. NuPolitico

    Detroit TV station WXYZ reported that Kilpatrick and a woman not his wife, identified as “Carmen Slowski,” “enjoyed an hour-long massage together in the same room before relaxing in a two-person aromatic whirlpool bath together. Included in the $504 package: chocolate covered strawberries and champagne to wash it down. A few hours earlier, the mayor was alone for a deep tissue massage billed at $264.”

    see the following link:
    http://www.wxyz.com/news/story.aspx?content_id=39147094-ba21-4b0d-928a-38147fdb5a4a

  7. Denise:

    You know if Carlita even thought about hollering at one of Kwame’s boys, she would come home and find her shyt packed and waiting on the lawn, plus the locks changed and all her credit cards cancelled.

    But she’s expected to forgive him and turn the other cheek, which I wouldn’t be surprised if she does, because she’s probably addicted to being known as Mayor Kilpatrick’s wife.

    I’ve seen too many CBC wives whose husbands actually proposition for poon tang with their wives sitting in the corner at CBC weekend, but they look the other way, because they’d rather have the title of being the “wife of Congressman so-and-so”.

    Except for Alma Rangel – after 40+ years of putting up with Champagne Charlie, she’s taking a hike from the marriage and is already reported on board the Obama bandwagon, while Charlie totes Hillary’s water.

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